Tag: committed

Here is Why Some Couples Never Cheat

by zfortadminin LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS

Wondering how and why some couples never tend to cheat on each other? Here is the answer.

Perceptual downgrading of attractive persons who can turn out to be potential threats may help in sustaining relationships from temptation and keep couples from cheating on one another, finds a new study.

The findings showed that to keep up a steady relationship, couples are likely to use an unconscious ‘turn-off’ mechanism where either partner perceptually downgrades individuals who can act as possible threats to their relationships, as less attractive than they really are.

Couples who are highly satisfied with their current partners are more likely to use this mechanism.

“Committed individuals see other potential partners as less attractive than other people see them, especially if they see the attractive person as a threat to their relationship and even more so if they’re happy with their partner”, said lead author Shana Cole, Assistant Professor at Rutgers University in the US.

Both men and women indulge in this protective bias called ‘perceptual downgrading’ and which helps couples’ maintain their commitment to their current partners.

“When people encounter an enticing temptation, one way to reduce its motivational pull is to devalue the temptation”, Cole added in the paper published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.

“This study suggests that there are processes that may occur outside of conscious awareness to make it easier to stay committed to one’s partner”, she noted.

For the study, the team designed two studies. In the first study, the researchers told participants that they would be working with a very attractive person – who is either romantically unavailable or single.

They were shown the imaginary person’s face with its 10 morphed images and asked to pick the image that matched the original. The results shows that they consistently picked images morphed toward unattractiveness.

In the second study, the participants provided more information about their own romantic situations and the team described the imaginary person as single, and therefore, available.

Participants in relationships who thought the person was interested in dating found that person less attractive than individuals who were single.

People who were in relationships and were happy with their partners, perceived the imaginary person as less attractive than any other participant.

Curated by Erbe
Original Article

Are You Compatible? Fighting and These Relationship Habits Can Tell You

by zfortadminin LOVE

Can you pass the compatibility test?

There are some pretty well-established relationship qualities that confirm you and your new partner are a match made in heaven: excellent communication, a feeling of giddiness and delight when you are together, a sense of ease and comfort. But what are the weirdest signs you’re compatible? At first sight, they might make you stop and scratch your head and say, “Hmm … really?” But after you stop and consider it for a little while, they actually start to make sense, even though they are certainly not normal conventions of what stellar relationships look like. It’s the wild and wacky stuff that just makes you good together, even though it maybe doesn’t completely make sense. That kind of stuff.

I reached out to dating and relationship experts to find out what kinds of things they’d nominate for this list, because all I could think of was a mutual love of Seinfeld, When Harry Met Sally, and long meals in bed. (Best match ever!) Here are 12 ways you can tell if you’re compatible with your partner that you’ve never thought of before. Take that, haters who secretly thought you’d never find the perfect, head-over-heels, drunk-in-love match of the gods!

1. You’re The Same Kind Of Shopper

Nope, didn’t see that one coming. “If you’re both bargain hunters, you’re more likely to be compatible than if one of you is a spender and the other a saver,” New-York–based relationship expert and author April Masini tells Bustle. Ohh. Yeah, that sounds about right.

“Money is a big deal in relationships, and shopping is a daily or weekly event, whether it’s just buying gas for the car, or food shopping, clothing shopping, shopping for a new car, a new condo or new furniture. When you have similar shopping habits, you’re less likely to fight over money and more likely to have an easier time together in a relationship.” So spendthrift + spendthrift = love, and miser + miser = love, but as for spendthrift + miser, well, ne’er the two shall meet. Got it.

2. Your Mutual Friends On Facebook Are Blowing Up

Do you have, like, 100 mutual buddies on FB? A lot of friends in common is a sign of mutual compatibility, life coach Kali Rogers tells Bustle. “Before online dating hit the internet, the majority of couples met through mutual friends,” she says “If you share a lot of the same network, chances are you share similar tastes and values, considering you hang out with a lot of the same people.” And this could lead to a happy, healthy relationship. Plus, you already know lots of each other’s friends, so you already have that part down pat. Easy-peasy.

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How an English Editor Ended Up with a Moroccan Tribesman

by zfortadminin LOVE

Publishing executive falls for Moroccan man she first planned to cast in a book

Now successfully wed to Abdellatif, a Berber tribesman from a mountain village

My best friend stared at me as if I had announced that an asteroid was about to obliterate life on Earth.

I had just told her that I was moving to Africa to marry a man I had met only six months previously, and her reaction was typical of the scepticism which greeted me whenever I told anyone about my exciting plan.

‘You’re utterly mad,’ she said. ‘You hardly know him. He could be a rapist, a conman, anything.’

My other friend Bruce’s reaction was initially one of surprise, too. ‘What?’ he asked, his eyes looking as if they might pop out of his head.
Bruce was my 28-year-old, 6ft 8in rock-climbing partner. We share a close but platonic friendship, and he was my companion on the trip to Morocco in 2005 which had resulted in my momentous decision to move there.

Deciding to move to North Africa had initially felt like a huge risk, but by the point where I was telling friends about it, I’d come to terms with the fear and was feeling steady again, and ready to make the move.

Sharing my news with friends and family felt like the first step of a long climb.

I’ve always had a bit of a wild streak, and I was never one of life’s fitters-in. Eschewing decent, steady men with proper jobs, I’d been involved with a succession of penniless poets, actors and singers.

They were charming, handsome and seductive, but not the sort of men with whom you could settle down. It was as if I deliberately chose the unsuitable ones in order to avoid commitment.

And, now, as far as my best friend was concerned, I had trumped them all.
It was easy to see why she might think this. After all, my inamorato, Abdellatif, was a Berber tribesman from a mountain village in south-west Morocco, who looked impossibly exotic in his native turban and robes.

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Declutter Your Love Life for Spring

by RJ Newellin LOVE

Your bedroom may be free of clutter, but what about your heart?

Spring Cleaning isn’t just for belongings; it’s for improving the quality of your life. This is the perfect time of year to discard what no longer serves us – and yes, this includes relationships. We all have our own unique energy drains, emotional rough spots and cluttered habits that could use a little ‘clean-up’ from time to time. If you’re hoarding a mess (even too much of a good thing), it’s time to make room for what you really want.

Spring Cleaning your love life works in three steps: (1) Defining the things that drain your energy. (2) Recognizing why they don’t serve you. (3) Taking out the trash.

Here are six areas to consider:

1. Your Time:

“How we spend our days is how we spend our lives,” according to Annie Dillard. What are you doing that just isn’t working? Are you too busy for love?

If you don’t make time to build new relationships now, you’ll never have time to maintain them in the future. So how many unnecessary dating apps are you using? Do you spend hours each day on social media, instead of making quality time with your partner or date(s)? Does your work, hobby or social routine make it hard to commit to relationships? If time is money, budgeting is important. Cancel ‘investments’ that don’t bring results.

2. Your Self:

Low self-esteem, lack of a personal care routine, and poor mental/physical health are all serious buzz-kills in the love and sex department. If you feel insecure or unhealthy, here’s your chance to commit to solutions. Define and delete the beliefs that drag you down.

Everyone is a work in progress; if you can’t accept that about yourself, you’ll most likely struggle to accept it in your partner. So if you want to find love in relationships, the first step is to cultivate that in yourself. Examine your self-worth and care routines, and note how that translates to your interactions with others. Outer results reflect inner decisions. The way we see ourselves is often how we treat our partners.

3. Your Baggage:

Have you noticed negative patterns in your relationships? Does pain from your past make it harder to trust? Fear is love’s greatest obstacle; so in terms of baggage, handle with care.

The first “thing” that pops into your head can often improve with practice: journaling, talking it out, reading self-help books and/or spiritual work. But when it comes to deeper wounds, a therapist, spiritual leader or mentor can and should be asked for help. Taking honest inventory of our own baggage is a crucial part of de-cluttering our love lives.

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How Millennials Rank in Marriage Statistics

by zfortadminin LOVE

There’s no shortage of theories as to how and why today’s young people differ from their parents.

As marketing consultants never cease to point out, baby boomers and millennials appear to have starkly different attitudes about pretty much everything, from money and sports to breakfast and lunch.

New research tries to ground those observations in solid data. The National Center for Family and Marriage Research at Bowling Green State University set out to compare 25- to 34-year-olds in 1980—baby boomers—with the same age group today. Researcher Lydia Anderson compared U.S. Census data from 1980 with the most recent American Community Survey 1  data in 2015.

The results reveal some stark differences in how young Americans are living today, compared with three or four decades ago.

In 1980, two-thirds of 25- to 34-year-olds were already married. One in eight had already been married and divorced. In 2015, just two in five millennials were married, and only 7 percent had been divorced.

Baby boomers’ eagerness to get married meant they were far more likely than today’s young people to live on their own. Anderson looked at the share of each generation living independently, either as heads of their own household or in married couples.

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Relationship 911: Unpacking Shame

by RJ Newellin LOVE

The ways we perceive the actions of others reflect how we see ourselves. I knew I had a problem with shame because of how I’d been treating my partner.

It began innocently enough.

“Are you really going to eat all of that?” I’d ask playfully, as if monitoring his eating would negate my own cravings.

“You did what in high school?” I’d gasp, appalled at whatever crazy anecdote came up. As if I were Mother Theresa.

I was looking at his past under the same negative microscope with which I judged my own. This served to confirm my belief that my mistakes made me a bad person.

Shame was deeply rooted in my relationship history, but I covered it with false bravado, impulsiveness and deflection. Subconsciously, I kept focus away from my own negative qualities by looking for them in others. Even in those I loved.

At the time, I saw this as a positive behavior. I would point to something I saw as a fault in my lover, then actively assert myself in “helping” him fix it. I thought that this made me a good partner. But in truth, I was anything but.

I didn’t know how to love someone without trying to improve him or her somehow – even if my words said otherwise, and even if I didn’t really want to change them. I couldn’t help myself. Judgment, blame and shame were all that I knew, even when life was good.

“Blame is [a] defensive cover-up for shame. Blame maintains the balance in a dysfunctional system when control has broken down.” – John Bradshaw, Healing the Shame that Binds You

I could say that I developed these habits because of my religious upbringing, where love came with conditions. Or I could blame my actions on past relationships, because they all seemed to have been dysfunctional in this way. But to actually solve the problem, I would have to look at the common denominator in these factors: me.

I didn’t know how to love myself without pretense or perfectionism. And because I didn’t take the time to admit this before I entered the relationship, it took a big toll on my partner. I was ruining my life, without even realizing it.

At the time, I was convinced that I was in the right. I believed that caring for people in spite of their shortcomings was the same as unconditional love. The very foundation of my relationships had been poisoned by shame. I acted defensively by default, manifesting of my own deepest fears. I truly loved my partner, but I was doing it wrong.

It took a great deal of therapy, self-reflection and rock bottom moments for me to finally have the guts to look in the mirror and acknowledge the fearful person staring back at me.

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