by Julia Solomon

I love sexy talk. Only during sex, otherwise it’s rude. It’s not even so much that I like it, but that I prefer it to the sound of silence while bodies slap together and bed coils squeak. It helps me concentrate. It doesn’t get me hot and bothered, it just allows me to get a little bit out of my head (which is the worst place to be when you’re trying to relax and let an orgasm happen). It’s totally understandable why some people are a little hesitant to try kinky talking. It’s so easy to feel embarrassed because you’re putting yourself in a vulnerable position. Sex is already a very intimate activity, but adding conversation to it, you’re raising the stakes. Both parties could already be concerned about whether or not they’re doing the right “moves”, and now you might worry about whether or not you’re saying the right things. I think the key is confidence and commitment. It’s important to say things confidently. It kind of reminds me of being in class in high school (don’t worry, it’s not going there) and you hesitantly answer a question that the teacher has asked you. You’re not sure you’re right, so your pitch gets higher towards the end of the sentence. The teacher always says the same thing, “Are you asking me or are you telling me?” Then you feel dumb, because they’re kind of calling your bluff. You’re afraid to say the wrong answer. Here’s a fun example:

Teacher: Who is Justin Timberlake’s wife?

Student: Jessica Biel?

Teacher: Are you asking me or are you telling me?

Student: Jessica Biel. His wife is Jessica Biel. I have no fear. I am woman, hear me roar.

I’m not really sure what class this conversation would take place in, but I hope you get the gist by now. Just commit, and say it confidently, you have nothing to fear. You’re both in this together, you stepping up will make the other person feel more comfortable, which is important, because now the person has nothing to worry about. You went for it, now they can reciprocate. I’ve had mostly pleasant experiences while using sexy talk in the bedroom, but when you don’t know someone really well, things can get weird. You don’t know each others’ boundaries and you could end up saying something the other person is not comfortable with. Or, something they’re just not used to, which can make for an…interesting experience, to say the least.

There have been some instances in my life where certain things were said in the bedroom that not only put me back into my head entirely, but also, made it very hard for me to contain my laughter. When I first moved to New York City, I was very anxious to get laid. So, when a guy invited me back to his place late at night, I went with it. He wasn’t a complete stranger, but I didn’t know him very well, either. I wanted to have fun. I didn’t particularly like this guy so I wasn’t interested in feigning any sort of romance. I just wanted to have sex, and hopefully have an orgasm while doing so. That did not happen, mainly because of some pretty silly things he said to me. If you use any of these terms during sex, there’s nothing to be ashamed of, it just wasn’t my cup of tea. I’m going to share a couple of them with you. Please note, I was not offended nor did I feel violated by anything he said that night — the end result was mostly confusion, laughter, and a general questioning of what I was doing with my life.

While we were having sex, I encouraged the kinky talk at first, which is probably why he felt comfortable asking “Yeah, are you my little sex slave?” Fortunately, I was not facing him at the time when he said this, because I started smiling and holding back laughter immediately (thank you, doggy style). Wait, did he seriously just say that? This is hilarious. I can’t take this seriously. That was all I could think. Then started the imagery. The term “sex slave” brings to mind women tied up in chains, in Egypt or something, where the only thing they’re allowed to do is have sex with the Pharaoh or feed him grapes. But, I’ll try anything once — I went with it, and felt like an idiot. This was just so out of my ball park, I couldn’t handle it. I was used to stuff along the lines of “oh yeah, does that feel good?” or.. you know what, one example is enough. The point is, it was pretty tame compared to what this man preferred.

The first thing that weirded me out wasn’t necessarily an unusual request. He kept asking me to say his name. But, it was a weird name. By weird, I mean, the least sexy name in the world. I won’t reveal it, so I’m going to use the name Harold. Imagine saying “Oh yeah, give it to me, Harold! Harder, YES! YES, HAROLD!” It sounds awful. Also, we were in a 4-bedroom loft. Were his roommates used to stuff like this? When they hear women screaming for Harold, do they just think, “Oh, Harry! That dirty old dog!” or are they more like “I can’t wait to get a one bedroom apartment.” Why do guys want you to yell their name? Maybe it’s a watching-too-much-porn thing, maybe it makes them feel powerful. My theory? Perhaps a little bit of narcissism, like they want to know they’re the best or they need to be reassured that “Yeah, this girl wants it, and not just in general, specifically from me!”

He told me I was more than welcome to stay the night, and I politely declined. I instead opted to take a cab from Brooklyn to Harlem, which is not cheap. As expensive as it was, it was completely worth it. I got into the cab and laughed all the way back to Harlem until I had to pay the fare. This guy was super nice and sweet outside of the bedroom, so what was the deal? You can never really assume what someone is like in the sack. As the saying goes, “Never judge a sexual partner based on their behavior in public and/or in front of others.” Yes, it was a weird experience, but it would have been a lot weirder had he not been confidently saying those things. I can’t think of anything funnier than a guy hesitantly asking me to be his sex slave. Go big, or go home. He went big, I went home.